真實Ⅵ

一個熱到不行的湖畔的無聊午後，三人比肩坐在面湖的窗邊。『搖滾樂是我們唯一的救贖嗎？ B？』A剛熄完掉一個未抽完的菸，再點上一根時突然打破沉默問B。
『廢話！生命的救贖必然來自於反抗體制與其不妥協的態度，無論如何，聲音的創造試圖先導歷史的演進，而搖滾樂就是最具體的實施方式………』B斜視地瞥了一眼A後，自問自答似地。
『你真的那麼篤信你剛剛說的話？』A問。
B轉過頭『你說呢？』然後冷冷地笑著。
『我什麼時候百分之百篤信自己所說的話？』『當然必須質疑呀！廢話!!』
『X, 你相信嗎？』A問。
『我？』其實心裡正盤算著，去哪張羅下個學期的註冊費、生活費。
『有差別嗎？』我回答。
從菸盒裡拿出一根菸, 點燃, 再揉入無意識的呼吸動作中, 吸入, 吐出後：『反正這世界最後必定毀滅, 以怎麼的態度看待, 其實都不重要, 也都無所謂』。
『那我們每晚搞到三更半夜, 為了旋律, 為了和弦到底要不要加減五度音, 為了歌詞當中的每一個字吵得快翻臉？都是屁? 那你幹嘛還玩搖滾樂?』B問。
『……………』
A:『That’s because we cannot afford to play Jazz.』
『What the fuck you are talking about? Not afford to? Why?』B yells.
X:『他說得沒錯呀…』『我們一直在玩搖滾樂, 但實際上我不認為搖滾樂是藝術。』
『老實說, 真的不是, 我們都只是在尋求認同, 你明白嗎? 無論再怎麼深入地看待這狗屁東西, 無論你再怎麼投入…..都是狗屎』是呀, 人生本來就是狗屎, 又何必在意任何事……

B:『那你覺得Jazz就是藝術? 不是狗屎?』
X: 『也是, 不過Jazz並不尋求認同, 這是最大的差異, 不會是 to be or not to be的問題, 不會是反抗社會的問題, 不會是定義生活的問題, 不會是態度的問題, 不會是政治的問題, 不會是熱情, 自由, 博愛的問題, 不會是love and peace的問題, 更不會是真理的問題, 什麼都不會是... Only thing needs concentration is how it comes close to end and to end it.』

是的, 所有的原創性都已不復存在, 任何的一切, 都只是摹仿………
被摹仿的人生, 摹仿過往的人生. 即便有原創的可能, 那也跟平凡的自我毫無瓜葛。
總之, 我想, 我正在被這世界遺忘, 正在被歷史淘汰, 只不過, 內心承認, 仍試圖掙扎罷了………我猜想, 或許是這樣。

What life?

What life?
Looking in face of my dear wife sleeps so deep......I do love her so much and she is my soul in deem.
But still something seems to get lost in here.
Not carrier, not money, not friendship, not science and not truth, either.

I think I am losing something. Something that I'm really not sure about.
Oh captain! where is my captain?
I won't count on science and neither truth nor religion.
Simply damn nothingness.... but only she can be the line between me and the real life.

How could I miss you? my dear.
How could I have life without you? my dear.
Life without you will be empty.
Life without you will be creeping.
Life without you will be only a misery rhapsody.

I just want to hold up, touch with, smell at, feel down and melt in thee in every minute in our life.
Our life may even end soon or later.
I'll still hold your hand, see into your eyes, love your every move and smile.
Just stand by thee when it comes up to you and me.
Oh captain, my captain, thee.
Come to me and please do not leave......until the day death tears us apart.
Maybe tomorrow will gonna be it, I should not be scared to me.

Please forgive me that sometimes I might get mind lost and angry.
You should not forget you are always on my mind in deem. In heaven or no better it can be just with you inside me and me in thee.
Oh dear! my dear!
Loved by thee truly and gracefully and joyfully. Although, life can be merely nothingnessly empty....