蒙太奇-生命無法避免流逝之一致性

It's just a practice for editing some films by using concept of montage and semiology.
It's quite fascinating and concentrated experience when I was doing such things. 
Since I was young and started to have passion in movie. 
There might be a dream about being a director.... and then gradually realized it cannot be reality. 
The light of life becomes faded out.... the passion about music did the same thing and ripped away from my soul...

What am I living for? what should I do to comfort the disturbed soul? If I still have one....

After disavowing any meanings exsit in life. 
No matter what a human being selects to represent his whole life time in his epitaph nominally, but only self-devastation one life could have be substaintially...

I've tried to think deeply but I can't image. I've tried to listen but I can't hear. 
I've tried to observe but I can't see. 
I've tried to experience but I can't feel. 
I've never been so blind about the person I used to be and will be.

記憶

漸漸地, 已經無法清楚地回想起曾在寒冷的北國生活的日子. 但是那確實一段極為規律, 卻沉溺於悲傷的日子. 無論做任何事情, 工作的一切開始都成為僅僅是沒有目標, 但是必須實踐, 而作為資本主義經濟體制度下, 被奴役的行為.

即便開始也漸漸地, 清楚明白, 階級差異與奴隸制度從來都沒有消失過, 只不過不斷地利用標籤的更迭替換, 藉以欺騙所有的人, 全球化..., 國際觀..., XXOO競爭力..., 人生的第一桶金..., 鈍感力..., PMP..., 全都是他媽的欺騙人的狗屁. 地球是平的? 那是對永遠到不了頂端的, 我們這些賤民階級的威脅與恫赫. 因為, 若不願被奴役, 那麼就會被拋棄, 只是簡單地二選一.

曾經努力去想起, 在一天的工作後, 走出辦公室, 踏入冷冽紛飛的大雪, 走在駐車場裡的那種感覺. 但的確, 已經無法再清楚地回想起. 但是, 我知道這曾經經歷過的, 確切的生活, 多年後讓我再也不確定我是否對任何一個曾經生活過的城市, 還會有家鄉的感覺, 即便是真的那個, 一直到成年前都被命運選擇的出生地, 我都無法再有家鄉的感覺, 換言之, 我已失去了鄉愁的概念, 因此所有音樂, 影像, 文字的靈感來源, 都恍若不復存在.

真實Ⅵ

一個熱到不行的湖畔的無聊午後，三人比肩坐在面湖的窗邊。『搖滾樂是我們唯一的救贖嗎？ B？』A剛熄完掉一個未抽完的菸，再點上一根時突然打破沉默問B。
『廢話！生命的救贖必然來自於反抗體制與其不妥協的態度，無論如何，聲音的創造試圖先導歷史的演進，而搖滾樂就是最具體的實施方式………』B斜視地瞥了一眼A後，自問自答似地。
『你真的那麼篤信你剛剛說的話？』A問。
B轉過頭『你說呢？』然後冷冷地笑著。
『我什麼時候百分之百篤信自己所說的話？』『當然必須質疑呀！廢話!!』
『X, 你相信嗎？』A問。
『我？』其實心裡正盤算著，去哪張羅下個學期的註冊費、生活費。
『有差別嗎？』我回答。
從菸盒裡拿出一根菸, 點燃, 再揉入無意識的呼吸動作中, 吸入, 吐出後：『反正這世界最後必定毀滅, 以怎麼的態度看待, 其實都不重要, 也都無所謂』。
『那我們每晚搞到三更半夜, 為了旋律, 為了和弦到底要不要加減五度音, 為了歌詞當中的每一個字吵得快翻臉？都是屁? 那你幹嘛還玩搖滾樂?』B問。
『……………』
A:『That’s because we cannot afford to play Jazz.』
『What the fuck you are talking about? Not afford to? Why?』B yells.
X:『他說得沒錯呀…』『我們一直在玩搖滾樂, 但實際上我不認為搖滾樂是藝術。』
『老實說, 真的不是, 我們都只是在尋求認同, 你明白嗎? 無論再怎麼深入地看待這狗屁東西, 無論你再怎麼投入…..都是狗屎』是呀, 人生本來就是狗屎, 又何必在意任何事……

B:『那你覺得Jazz就是藝術? 不是狗屎?』
X: 『也是, 不過Jazz並不尋求認同, 這是最大的差異, 不會是 to be or not to be的問題, 不會是反抗社會的問題, 不會是定義生活的問題, 不會是態度的問題, 不會是政治的問題, 不會是熱情, 自由, 博愛的問題, 不會是love and peace的問題, 更不會是真理的問題, 什麼都不會是... Only thing needs concentration is how it comes close to end and to end it.』

是的, 所有的原創性都已不復存在, 任何的一切, 都只是摹仿………
被摹仿的人生, 摹仿過往的人生. 即便有原創的可能, 那也跟平凡的自我毫無瓜葛。
總之, 我想, 我正在被這世界遺忘, 正在被歷史淘汰, 只不過, 內心承認, 仍試圖掙扎罷了………我猜想, 或許是這樣。

What life?

What life?
Looking in face of my dear wife sleeps so deep......I do love her so much and she is my soul in deem.
But still something seems to get lost in here.
Not carrier, not money, not friendship, not science and not truth, either.

I think I am losing something. Something that I'm really not sure about.
Oh captain! where is my captain?
I won't count on science and neither truth nor religion.
Simply damn nothingness.... but only she can be the line between me and the real life.

How could I miss you? my dear.
How could I have life without you? my dear.
Life without you will be empty.
Life without you will be creeping.
Life without you will be only a misery rhapsody.

I just want to hold up, touch with, smell at, feel down and melt in thee in every minute in our life.
Our life may even end soon or later.
I'll still hold your hand, see into your eyes, love your every move and smile.
Just stand by thee when it comes up to you and me.
Oh captain, my captain, thee.
Come to me and please do not leave......until the day death tears us apart.
Maybe tomorrow will gonna be it, I should not be scared to me.

Please forgive me that sometimes I might get mind lost and angry.
You should not forget you are always on my mind in deem. In heaven or no better it can be just with you inside me and me in thee.
Oh dear! my dear!
Loved by thee truly and gracefully and joyfully. Although, life can be merely nothingnessly empty....