feel like drowning.....

How approaching the end of life can be an uncertainty? Does it matter to a human being? Does it really matter to me? or to anyone ever thinking of it even once?.....

Every minute I sit down in my chair, wrapped by the concrete atmosphere solidified by civilization and humanity degree, cannot but losing consciousness of sensory organs excluding physical body and nihilistic soul...

Only one thing I can be sure about. I've been manipulated.....even my destined manner of birth....and even my limited cogitation of death...

This is not where I should be staying. 

This is not what I should be doing. 

This is not me saying. 

This is not me walking.  

Can more paranoid the reality hit?

Can more deconstruction the world give? 

I feel like drowning... barely justify existence of dissociative ego unreal but can't hold in custody constantly...

I feel like drowning..... just like in river of tears.

I feel like drowning...  no straw could get clutched. 

I feel like drowning............no way back, no way out and no way in loneness.....

Hearing can be taken place but no one can help me.

Oh! Lord, how harder will it gonna be?
Oh! Lord, how longer will it has to be?
I don't mind dying and I know that's what I want so desperately.
but...
Just let me dying slowly but softly please........