在瀕死之際遇見另一個自我的生命

Actually, I should be dead by now... If I've never met her.

At least that's what I believe. Before the love came to us, I had been a desperado, living a life with no soul. Although, my dialy life can be normal no more from an onlooker, I knew I was just a empty body that cannot do anything meaningful. I went out for the job every morning; did those damn jobs so hard; no matter how the request from customer is so fucking crap, I still try to achieve the MBO every year; cared about all the colleagues' feeling about me and all boss's stupid orders and their commets like an idiot....Sorry, I am not the idiot, they are. After the day off and into the night, I had a total different life from that in daylight. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, but the most important thing was that I listened and observed all the time.....
What I tried to do was to be an outsider of my life but it never did.
I lisetened to all the whispers and ravings from the people around me but keeping all their secrets was definitely a duty to God.
I observed all the secrets happening, how they came to this way? why they had to be this way? When they would destroy the poeple involved with the secrets.....At the end, I realized that I'd become the secrets. I am the secrets.
其實生活並非寂寞, 認識的人其實多到,即便每晚要續三攤酒攤都能隨時找得到人, 每天晚上都會有人找你訴說著....心底必須傾洩的痛苦, 或者渴望被別人知悉的心情與感動. 可是...表面上, 我深刻地體會朋友的痛楚, 回應他們所要表達的心情, 我覺得我能夠了解, 以自身的感度去放大那些接收來自他人的無奈. 但是我的確沒有辦法感同身受, 這些都只是無意義的呻吟? 還是人生歷練的痛苦?
但是我想 最不能讓自己忍受的其實還是自己, 在以靈魂為賭注, 取得作為進入生命試煉的修羅場的門票, 原本以為, 所作所為終會讓自己走向我所欲之涅盤, 惟, 當靈魂一點一滴慢慢地被蠶食, 被撕裂, 卻一點也不自知, 直到在清晨時, 也仍看不清自己的形体, 直到在明鏡前, 亦仍認不出自己的面容, 我再也認不清自己處於世界的哪一個角落, 我再也看不起自己失去人性的一言一行.... 這時候, 我才明白原來我一直都不是我自身的存在, 於是, 我開始更謙卑地看待這整個世界, 我相信我能改變, 而更提昇了靈魂的境界, 直到尼采告訴我,『所謂以自己為恥的人, 其實自足於自鄙的自己』, 我才明白....Yes, I am. I am the one being mentioned. 我才體認到...來不及了...每晚入睡前, 我都會禱告一次, 希望明天能不要醒來, 不需要面對永無止境的自我詰難..........

但是, 我遇見了一個女人, 一個完美, 但卻與我有相同靈魂的女人, 不同的是她卻一直保有純淨的善良, 為了對我生命的救贖, 她將她的靈魂給了我, 因為她, 我重新擁有生命, 一個與她共同擁有的生命......
一起曾面對的許多考驗, 過去, 現在及未來共同擁有的記憶, 平凡的日子, 但確確實實地感受生命真實的存在, 是可以收藏於時間驗證的流逝之外, 永遠在我們心中, 過去曾經歷過的流浪與不堪, 一放手, 一切便不存在了...謝謝妳
dedicated to my wife

Lennon's song.
When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.
You'll be older too,
And it you say the word,
I could stay with you.
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride,
Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
Who could ask for more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.
Every summer we can rent a cottage,
In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera Chuck & Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.